inside my head.

the violin; and how it's fucked up my life.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:32:18 GMT

i hate the violin.
it doesn't get me jobs
it doesn't pay the rent.
it doesn't feed me.
and it's the only thing I can do in this life..
there's nothing else I'm good at.

Why did God give me a talent..that I can't do SHIT with?

Why is it so hard; for people with TALENT to get anything out of this life..?
Why is it so much easier for people who can't even speak the language; of this country..to make it..and be wealthy..?Why is it so easy..?

Why is it so common; to see the worst human beings make it in life..? People that are absolute dumbasses; own like 4 cars. and live comfortably; never having to worry about where next months' rent is go'na come from..or never looking at kids; or nice houses and saying "i'll never be able to afford either one of those things" and sigh; and be sad.

i hate you, violin.
thanks for ruining my potential at ever making a life for myself.
thanks alot.

..

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 05:07:27 GMT

ever get the feeling that someone isn't over someone ..?
and that you're second best?
i feel this way; all the time.

the marriage disbelief.

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 01:45:47 GMT

my boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage..
this news greatly discourages me..
i don't really think about this shit NOW - but..
I can tell that down the road; this is going to be a big issue.
Especially since I'm an american girl; and it's in my bloodstream; to want that one special day when I feel like a Disney Princess.

I hate to admit that I'm like that; but Come on; all little girls day dream about that day.

so this new news: is really..raining on my childhood parade.

i wanted a wedding at the beach; something small; low key..
but i wanted a MASSIVE PARTY afterwards.
at some fancy place..
so..i still have the traditional mind-set; when it comes to the "reception" but..dude..
it's not go'na be a reception; it's go'na be a CELEBRATION.
i want a Fondu FOUNTAIN of WHITE CHOCOLATE & DARK CHOCOLATE

instead of a cake; there's go'na be chocolate fountains.
it's go'na be like Willy Wonka's cchocolate factory up in that bitch.

but see..
there i go. daydreaming..and it's not go'na happen; at least not with the guy i LOVE
ugh
so sad.
it makes me sad.
I finally find somebody i could actually SEE that shit with (believe me; i used to be AGAINST marriage; not that i didn't believe in it; but i was just SO Convinced that i'd NEVER WANT that with ANYBODY - EVER)

and i just always wanted someone to ..make me see that it's doable.
and now i've found that someone..and he doesn't fucking BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE
what the FUCK is that..? who doesn't "BELIEVE" in marriage..?
he's like "cavemen and cavewomen didn't have ceremonies"
yeah; but they also took shits in the forest. and they also didn't go to their local VONS for food; or use MONEY or Credit Cards.
he has no argument at all. fuck
what am i go'na do..?
have to break up with him..?
just because of this shit.>?
i'm wasting my time.
if i ultimately wanna marry some jackass; and pop out his kids; that means i'm wasting my time; merely by LOVING him.
and then. somehow we got on the topic of kids..and he's like "if later on; i wanted a kid; and you didn't..i'd probably break up with you"
WHAT THE FUCK
so that means..i CAN break up with him - because if later on; i wanna marry him; and he doesn't..under his..same words; i can say the same shit.
but that seems so shallow.
i wanna have kids.
but i dont wanna have a kid out of WED LOCK like my brother.
he had so much trouble growing up; just because people judged him by being born from an unmarried couple.
I know times aren't really like that anymore; but..the whole THING is there in my mind

=[

why can't i EVER get what i want..?
i finally do - and there's a problem.
like ALWAYS

aron wanted marriage; but fuck. i wasn't exacxtly in love with him.

what i want.

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:00:45 GMT

Jewish

Music Lover:
understands the guilty pleasures of terrible 90's pop music, loves..and understands the reasons why one should love the beatles & other classic bands, can get emotional from hearing a beethoven or chopin piano piece, finds the awesomeness in cheezy music soundtracks such as Star Wars, Indiana Jones & other John Williams' wonders

muscular; but not in a gross way

medium height; even shorter than me..is okay..?

can challenge me and have intelligent conversations with .a...Debater! someone i can happily argue with for hours upon ends; but not in a bad way; a semi-philosopher..who actually knows what i'm referencing when i say "i think ; therefore i am" YES. some people don't GET it when i say that...or..they've heard it..but they have no clue who actually said it in the first place; or what huuuge text of meditations goes behind it.

someone with career goals; who's a Go-Getter! and is actually trying his hardest to get what he wants

A Pianist..? though i usually stand-clear of fellow-musicians..but i've always had a pianist fantasy - though i've had one..i want one again. who can actually read music (he was great at playing by ear; but TERRIBLE at reading music

someone who grew up with both a father & mother

someone who doesn't have a history of mental illnesses in his family..please..?
suppose i marry a guy with crazies in his family TOO..our chances of having a bipolar mini-me/him..is higher than if it was just on MY side of the family..get me..?

someone who's both a cynic AND an optimist.. like me!!. except..leans more on the optimist side - bc i learn more towards a the cynical side..there needs to be a balance.

NOT a Taurus (any taurus i meet..just..doesn't work for me..i've had a couple)

someone who has style; but isn't gay about it

L8

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 08:04:41 GMT

i hate how i start thinking about people late at night; people that i should NOT be thinking about.
and bc of the late night hours - and situation...i end up MISSING them. - though i have no business missing them.
and i wonder what went wrong...
and part of me wants to ask - and find out..but the awake side of me knows that it's best to just leave it alone; deal with it when it faces me - if it ever does again - which is highly unlikely. The whole debacle will just fade away; and the wondering of what actually went wrong in the end will just fade away into the few few memories.
part of me wishes there was a 3rd chance; but the sane part of me knows that's nutty.
I'm over it. why should i be under it all over again - and go through the same withdrawal for another go-around. some people are like drugs. you know they're bad bad bad for you; yet you want more of them...more of the abuse you're only giving to yourself. it's like self-destruction that you can't exactly give to yourself. you need another party. Another person to convince yourself you could fall for; while deep down you know it'd never be; and you'd never actually want it to be. Which is exactly why this is self-destruction. you destroy everything around you; and everyone around you - just so you can have that sweet sweet feeling of unwanting-ness from another person; it's like a high. It's not enough to be loved by a perfectly mentally healthy human being. no - you have to chase after that destructive person whom you know you can never ever truly have; it's the chase - that's what gets you..the catch is never rewarding; but the chase..is ecstasy.

Un private.

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 23:41:39 GMT

well, dayum.
i just now realized that thie entire journal was open for the public - for years and years. and i never realized it.
whoever typed in "countrylace" into google would easily be able to read into my entire personal life.
and here i thought my settings were set to the "only friends" default for ALL entires.
hahahaha.
oops.
well, that would explain why a few people just STOP talking to me at random. haha i'm kidding. I seriously doubt anybody has actually found this livejournal - who knows me personally.
so i guess it's okay.
this one's NOT set to "friends only" bc it's not really much of anything i'll reveal - except for how insanely ridiculously, stupendously STUPID i feel.

i'm pretty much crazy.

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 07:21:30 GMT

hahaha. i was reading back on some of my journal entries on here..
and i go back and forth like a light switch that's used daily, dont i? gah.
one minute it's "i love this one guy..for real!!" the next minute it's "he's a manipulative bastard who only made me thiiink i actually loved him" from "i love this other guy..for real. " to "i'm so happy without him - we were NOT compatible" - ..this is just how i am....and if you think it sounds annoying for everyone involved with me..? try being ME..and dealing with it on a daily basis - the constant inner dialogue - that contradicts..not only what you say outloud..but..what also contradicts it's OWN contradictions - if that makes any sense whatso-ever..
actually..it DOES NOT make sense..and this is why it's annoying to be ME. and it's not even just about relationships..the same thing goes with where i'm living. one day it's "wow. i really love nyc!" the next day it's "i wana move to canada! fuck this city". the next minute it's "actually..i wana live here forever..i love it " then it's "i wana learn to drive and live in california!!' to "wait..i hate california.."
etc etc. i could go on for hours. same goes for my music too.
best example PRACITCE: "i really want to practice right now!" "wait..i really don't..i'm not in the mood" "i should practice! i'm go'na do it" "i can just do it tomorrow..but i dont want to do it tomorrow..i'll just do it now" "no..i really want to do it tomorrow - instead of tonight.."
this usually goes on for hours until it's too late to even practice...haha..i should also blame procrastination as well..not just indecisiveness.
i really need to learn how to decide i want something..and stick to it..for at least a MONTH - or even.. 2 weeks..without changing my mind about it.
why is that SO hard for me?.. i really don't understand. maybe there's actually something wrong with me and i should speak to a professional?..haha. but i seriously don't think it's THAT serious.
but maybe it is..I've been like this forever - about stupid, small things..(like crayon colors - or which crazy earrings to wear with this outfit, or which stuffed animal to take to K4) but now it's interfering with my life & future.
melch.

peace, love & rainbows.

get over it, woman!

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 07:03:23 GMT

yesterday..the fates decide to fuck with my head..and make all'a these feelings alot worse:

a semi-friend (not really a friend..just..a friend i know through friends)..is doin' this thing in central park all month......
and yesterday me & my granny went downtown for me to get a muuuch needed haircut @ supercuts. (it took us 3 hours to find this fuckin' place, PS)...afterwards..i just really wanted to have some ME time..walk around aimlessly while listening to my beloved (my ipod)...so i'm walking..
i get to 59th..decide to walk along central park in order to get over the 5th ave..hit FAO Shwartz..but decide it's no longer a fun place to anymore..bc they've totally RE-done it..and i'm not a fan of it anymore. =[ it's even more Ritzy than it was before now..leave..
think about walking all the way to 34th..but decide i'd rather have a more mellow walk..and i go back to the west side...i head uptown - still along the park..
and i think to myself.."hm..maybe i should just go see whats up in the park....if i get lost, i'll give up and find my way back" ..i hardly ever get lost in manhattan..UNLESS i'm in Central Park..I don't think i've ever been in there..and not gotten COMPLETELY turned around...
i get to 66th..
sit down..think about whether i wana go or not..
i head BACK uptown..towards 72nd..
but then turn back around.....for whatever reason..i really wanted to go..
so i'm going to this place...as if on a whim. i was originally go'na go on Thursday with some friends..
i FINALLY find the place (the angel) i'm shocked i even found it..i almost gave up..so i go..i'm up on the balcony bit (if you've been there..maybe you know what i'm talking about..) i'm looking down..i see NO art..i'm gravely disapointed..but i decide i'll just go down there..and make sure there's nothing underneath that i'm not missing (underneath the stairs) ...i'm going down the stairs..
and i see him.

i felt like my heart fall out'a my butt.
..i suddenly felt sick..for real..i didn't know what else to do..but to make a disgusted face..and just..avoid going in that direction...and not to sound like a cheezy romantic novel..but my heart seriously started pounding. it was the weirdest thing.

They were sitting by the angel.
i'm looking at the one thing that COULD be related to sam's "art in the park" hullah-hoopers? hahaha.
then i hear another sam yell out..across the angel.."LACY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
...so i yell "HEEYY!!!!"
he makes a motion for me to come over there..i hesitate..
..so there i am..
Chatting it up with the sam man (NOT the one who's in charge of the park thing)
and this is what HE's doing:
his BACK to me..the whole entire time.
i don't think i've ever experienced such rude behavior before..seriously. wtf. are we in the 1st fucking grade? not even..are we..socially RETARDED?..lol.
I tried to include him in the conversation..once..but i got no response..or..i saw his mouth move..i think..but no words came out - or maybe it was a mumble.
i looked at sam..and made a face..."he's realllly stoned.." he said....should that be the excuse?..i dunno
i'm not stoned on a normal basis..so maybe i have a hard time understanding how someone cant even say "hellO" to somebody they've...been....well..ya know...
.even if they are stoned out of their minds....i get drunk as fuck..but i still know how to say "hello" even if you cant understand it bc of my slurred speach..haha ya know..?

what did i do to him..?..seriously. besides get a litttle clingy...but i explained that..and everything was cool. - and then suddenly..he seems to have this majjor problem with me..that causes him to immediately turn his back on me..and act like i'm some ghost..wtf...am i missing something? maybe i am.

maybe i'm taking it personally..like i said..i don't know what it's like to be that stoned..maybe that's a reasonable excuse for that behavior..but GAWD...
sam got my number..cuz he wanted to chillll another day..we could'a kept talking..sam's a cool duuuderz..i wish we could'a hung out more in college......i asked if they wanted to walk around..sam was all for it..but..mr. stoner was not....so then i told sam about my fav. bar ever - they give you a FREE personal pizza..with every beer you buy..i said maybe we'd go..then i left..said bye....said bye ("bah!" to be exact.haha) to HIM...and...i got another mumble.. - still from the BACK OF HIS HEAD. i think i saw his face once.. wait maybe he did at least say "bah" bc ..he just likes to say that. HAHA . CLEARLY that's his fav word to me..since he f-ing hates me so much - or at least, acts like it.

aftewards i really felt like i had to throw up...and on my way out'a the park..of course i got lost..when i finally found the right way out..they were behind me..but i pretended i didn't see them.,..and i had to jump the fence to get back unto the trail..so it prob. totally looked like i was being a creepy person..hahaha.

so then i found a Coldstone Creamery...and all was well in the world.

if this story doesn't scream out: "DICKHEAD YOU SHOULD HATE HIM FOREVER AND NEVER BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH HIM..EVER AGAIN..BECAUSE HE'S A DICK"..then..i dont know what Does..haha.
then again - i could be NOT understanding stoners.
ugh.
whatever.
i'm over it.
i don't like him..i like the IDEA of him..
we have nothing in common..we don't connect on any level..oh right..and he hates me. clearly.

oh, convincing yourself is so much fun...honestly..i dont really know WHAT it is that draws me to him..i guess i keep hoping that there's something more to him..deeep down..that hardly anyone gets to see..or get to know.. and his laugh. and that doofy grin of his.
.....whyy am i like this about him? i dont understand it at all. i have no right to even like him..i found my old journals the other day..and i totally liked him this much that time before. but WHY? and HOW? i wasn't even.."with" him (if you can even call it that) for more than a month..yet, i invested soooo many feelings into him... and i don't know HOW..
it blows my mind..and it still blows my mind..bc if i was to look at the sittuation..(and i have) from another stand-point..i'm like "wtf girl..he should be soo easy to get over..he treats you like shit..and he always will..".. but then i start thinking about everything.and all'a the signs that were there..he totally DID like me..and then one day..just pooooof..he was dick-mc'dick-snorfelous..
or maybe he was just doing all'a those sweet things ...just to get into my pants more than once...ugh. I FEEL SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
i wana hit myself...turn back time again..and NOT do whatever i did to mess everything up..

..to top things off..my ex..who i hardly ever talk to..happened to be on AIM that same day,
...he hasn't been on AIM in 5 years...and he IM's me..it was just odd..
not to mentioned i'd talked to aron..and zack..
so..all in one day....i either saw..or talked to every single person i've ever had any "relations" with..it just kind'a...weirded me out..

life is just one big mind fuck aint it?..

happpppppppppy.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:33:48 GMT

i finally feel real happy.
not fake happy.
thank you, lacy..for freeing yourself.
i feel like william wallace.

okay nvm.

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 07:03:07 GMT

Never-you-mind.
everythings' fiiine.
hahaha
exceeeeeeptt.
i heard a rumour about ME today..lmfao (that happens to be true)
but it sucks that it's going around though.
but whatever.
what did i expect?
gawd, i hope i'm not seen as the NEW Jordana though.

dorm life.

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 09:25:59 GMT

ya know..
im really over the whole dorm-thing. it isn't fun anymore. i hear people yellin' and screamin' and carryin' on - laughin; ya know..havin' a good 'ole time. - and i used to be that screamer/yeller - that really annoying screetch goin' down the hall - but im not anymore; bc im over it.
part of me gets sad when i hear the new screetcher..but i just shrug it off bc i've past that. i guess i've "mattured" haha. not that the girl who screetches and runs down the hall is immature; but i dont have a reason to screetch and carry on anymore. i dont even remember why i did it then. i must'a been truley happy.
im still happy - but not like that. i think it was just the people though. those people who made me screetch and carry on aren't here anymore (paul & mikey - mostly) i sorta miss them. especially paul-ness. =[
..i loved him so much that i hated him..haha.. we had a weird friendship.
it was really like a silbing thing. we bothered each other sooo much - but we couldn't NOT talk; sad. i wish he'd come back.
word has it that he may next year - but he's probably done changed his mind about it again.
he's a ny boy. i dont think he'll leave ny again for a while.
oh well.
dorms are dumb. i wish i had my own place. but im too pooor..haha. but in the long run; im go'na be payin' MORE for livin' on the dorms..-after the loans are all ...added up. so actually..if i got an apt..and some roomates..it end up bein' cheaper in the end. maybe next year; maybe if i learn how to drive. Im learning!!i drove on the road the other day!
kay - my lives' a bore. bye bye.

love bullshit.

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 01:34:52 GMT

im ready to love. like, for real. I don't just want a stupid boyfriend; i wana finally decide to love someone..and have them love me back. I've never wanted this before. it'd just happen. and i never really loved them back; fully. i did a little... i dunno..i cant explain it. i'm just ready for more.
but i dont wana get all serious.is that impossible?
i dont wana get too serious until i have..a carrer goin' on.. maybe that's selfish of me; but whatever.
i've been being more selfish than that for years. I've wanted guys to love me; but i didn't wana have to love them back.
so..only them loving me..caused me to..Thiiink i loved them back. or at least; subconsciencely convince myself that i loved them - when..i didn't...
bloob.
im still terrified of love; but..i wana find someone..who i feel...safe.so that i can dive in; and not be quite as scared.

accepted!

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 01:12:16 GMT

im goin' back to CalArts!
why do i sense that im go'na be the only person who left the college..and then came back a year later?
people are go'na think im so weird. they won't be thinking incorrectly. i am pretty blame weird.
i just need a place to stay. Aka: DORM
im gettin'g really impatient. this lady is working on it; and she's go'na let me know the news.
but ugh. hurry up!!..haha.
it's all official though..
I got my acceptance letter in the mail 2 days ago. =]
i believe i was happier than i was the first time i got it.
im soo happy.
you dont even know.
the weather's go'na be amazing.
im go'na be such a happier human being.
wooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahaha.
im leaving in just a few weeks!!! for the spring term.
omg.
*happiness*
=]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
and im not even go'na miss ny! LMAO. i may miss my friends; but not really.
im sorta tiered of them..hahahaha. im so awful.
i really am though. we were really close in high school; but now we've all changed..and it's just..
not the same anymore. and it's charles who convinced me to come back to nyc!. ugh. stupid boy.
haha
he was so wrong. "lacy.it's a great idea! do it..you dont belong in california.. you can audition in nyc!" meanwhile..
i did nothing but work @ Godiva & coldstone creamery..and got into some Shit city college..
i love charles..but he can be so wrong sometimes.
...i guess i wouldn't have had the oppurtunaty that being in "kiss Kiss" gave me.. - (im trying to look at ..the bright side of coming back to nyc..lol) now i can tell everyone i was a rock chick for a summer..hhaha..no really..my favorite part about the tour..is the fact that i could play bare-foot on stage..and walk around all over the US - with my barefeet....something about being barefoot all ove rthe place; is liberating to me. i cant quite explain it. maybe it has something to do with feelign like a child.
this isn't related..but..i know for a fact..that if i ever get married; im being barefoot.there's no question at all about it.
it means so much to me..hahahha.. but geez. why? i cant say why..i just know..that i must. and if the guy argues with me..i will be a run-away bride.
hahaha.
okay im done.

miss-ish

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 07:01:28 GMT

i miss you.
i miss your smile.
i miss your laugh.
that incredible laugh.
the only laugh i think i could hear for hours and not get sick of
i miss your silly morning face.
i miss the way you use your hands waay too much durring normal conversation
i miss your hobbit feet
i even miss the way they sorta smelled sometimes
i miss how passionate you are about things you care about
i miss your silly tongue on my ear
i miss you asking me stupid questions
i miss you calling me just to say you miss me
i miss how excited you get about the most childish things; just like i do
i miss the rediculous arguments
i miss your outbursts of profanity
i miss your road rage
i miss the way you'd cling to me & literally drag me down (physically)
i miss waking up with you.
i miss the crazy things you'd do in your sleep; like spit in my face.
i miss beinb barefoot with you.
i miss that specefic way we'd cuddle
i miss burshing our teeth together.
i miss answering the knock on my door to see that it was you
i miss you just walking in when my door wasn't locked
i miss refusing to dance in public with you
i miss grocery shopping with you
i miss bitching at you about spending so much money on DVDs & hot wheels
i miss all of your child-like qualities
i miss your postive energy
i miss hearing you whine when your sick
i miss not worrying or carring when it would eventually end
i must have missed the finanlization of the end bc i still miss you.

i guess i miss someone

some years later

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 05:32:36 GMT

well, i failed.
i said "we'll see what becomes of me" last time i wrote a real entry.
yes, i failed.
i didn't pursue acting, i never got that apt. with my friends & i went to some dinky city college.
im still there. but i hate it. i miss calarts. im tryin' to get back in - but i feel like it's silly to go back.
but at the same time, i felt like i was at my best there. i was the lacy i like; the lacy that was real.
im not her in nyc..im some..morbid dark child who hates everything around her.
im unhappy even when im sorta "happy" and i miss that kid in california waay too much for my own good
he always told me the "follow my heart" in whatever sittuation it is. so i guess im following my heart
back to the person who told me to do so. funny.
due to popular belief, however, that kid isn't the main reason im goin' back.
it's just everything.
plus..i have my act together now. i can Deal with it there now.
i loved it there..but i wasn't ready for it quite yet..
i was too much of a space-cadet..im matture..everso slightly.
and now i realized what i had..and i wont take it for granted anymore. if i ever get it back.

wrong

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 10:38:54 GMT

the other night..i cried..and i knew why..but i didn't know why..until today.
but when i was crying..i whispered to myself.."i think i love (place name here)"
...i actually...admitted to it.
but i'll never tell..
bc im too terrified of that sort of..commitemtn..and even..first of all..rejection.
what if he doesn't feel that way about me?
i know he still cares about me alot..but...love? i have no idea.
......that's his problem. he never says things...so..i never know. but i saw something in his eyes once..and he asked what i say..and i simply said.."..care?"
and he didn't say anything...he kind'a..made that .....face..that i cant really..describe.
...and anytime i hear his voice...my whole face...lights up....just his voice..and..i dunno. maybe it's only the distance..that makes me THINK that i have these feelings. i lie. i know to some extent i love this kid..whether it's just..friend love..or a lil bit more than that love..i dunno..but if im still..crying..and missing someone..after months and months of it being "over"...then..doesn't that mean..i sort'a ya know..care about them?..even when i've had boyfriends siince...and im pretty much..happy with them..but..not quite..

this's the first time im actually..admitting to this too..
and..the recent events..just..makes me wana..say it.
bc im in the "i dont give a fuck anymore" type of mood.......or.."i give up"
...hint: i have a boyfriend..that isn't..this..one i speak of.
thats what makes this sittuation..complicated.
i wana tell (place name here)..
but i cant..bc of my own..issues with emotions..plus..bc of the boyfriend issue.
it'd be silly to ...tell someone..how i feel..if im supposed to feel that way for my boyfriend.
i mean..i do..but..there's something..missing..within me..about my emotions towards him...
and it's not his fault..it's not ones' fault..i dunno. but it's not that serious bc we're not "in" love anyways.

...woo..this feels good to finally get out.even though..no one'll see it.
that's sort'a the point.

happiness

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 06:22:26 GMT

life is good.
i have a job.
me & some friends are workin' on gettin' an apt.
im go'na audition my ass off
and im stayin' in nyc.
and i met a hot latino guy..
but he has a gf - dilema.
and i guess i broke up with my bf.
but we still talk.
we're kind'a still together..but..not really.
bc he's in cali..and im in nyc.
so..yeh.
go'na take off a semester from school -
and try the acting thing again..
and entertaining.
that's where my heart is.
im not cut out for school.
honestly.
we'll see what becomes of me..
whether i fail or succeed..
suspense, suspense.
that's life.

who was drivin' that fuckin' car?! i'll kill em.

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 20:20:17 GMT

he was in a car accident
he just woke up from a coma
she suffers a head injury
i pray to God that they're both okay.
for my sake; for their sake
it's official
i obviously care a shit loud for him
if im wishing his girlfriend well..
if i was any other bitch who cared about him for Selfish reasons:
i'd be rejoicing because of her head injury
that'd be like a dream come true for me
but it's not.
he'd killl himself if she died.
ether that: or just be unhappy.
i dont want that for him.
i pray for his happiness and success every day
even though i know i'll never be able to share it with him
as long as i know he's happy - that's enough.
because i have someone now.
and it's not him
but that's okay.
im happy. i want him to be happy
i dont want her to die.
because she makes him happy
i dont make him happy - she does.
but that's okay
Maybe this is, finally, my answer to my eternal agony of "why?"
this must be why.
i could have very well been her
injured; battered
but i'm not
and that's okay
to think: i said "Someone out there has everything i want"
i wanted to be her.
i almost feel guilty.
i was jelous
and now look what's happened.
was this supposed to happen for a reason?
what's the reason
now my question of "why" will continue
since the first one was answered..
i feel like it's all somehow connected
to teach someone a lesson.

you knos you have/had at least one...

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 08:41:56 GMT

those people who stick in your memory
makes you feel like a nut for even remembering so much crap about them.
like some silly quirk; what they Had to do before beginning a scene
and you know they forgot about your existents on this earth.
you dont care..bc you're over it.
but you still remember.
and it's annoying.
but then you think of the PRESENT - and you start smilling again.
because you should make love to the present - and fuck the past
(excuse my wordy dirties)

disgusting couples & hot people

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 23:28:08 GMT

sometimes..i see or hear things from couples that is just..so...sad & pittifull.
today - i saw on an away message: "im only hikking because i cant be with you" and.."talking to my babe".
and the whole.."baby" or "babe" thing..i've never had a boyfriend - or allowed a boyfriend to call me Babe or Baby.
it's like..weird. i guess i could go for "honey" - or - i say "hun" sometimes - but ..to..anyone. *shrug*
the whole..desperately in love..thing..i find..is weakness.
is that love..? cuz if it is..i've never been in it. i do fine without whoever my boyfriend is at the time. maybe ONCE i was Sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiightly like that. but that's just because i was really young..and like..i dunno..almost alone in a huge city. - except for that one person - but once i had my friends..i was fine w/o him.
and if love causes you to not to be able to live unless that person is by you CONSTANTLY then..i dont think i ever wana love anyone. wait..there's a difference..i dont think i ever wana be IN love. - from what i know..someone's been in love WITH me..because..stuff like that did come out'a his mouth..but he was prolly just feedin' me w/ BS words..but i've never said stuff like that to anyone. but there's one person..that im pretty sure..if i ever had had a relationship with..i deff would'a been one'a those hopelessly in love humans. i would'a never have wanted him NOT around me.but....i'll never have that person -and im over it now. I dont want him no more. but i did...baadddlly. and occasionally..i think about how i wanted him - but..i stop. because reality has set in. and i realize..each time i meet a new dude - that im perfectly capable of gettin' someone just as good - maybe better. - i just dont want to right now..haha.
bc i kind'a/sort'a have a man - but..we kind'a/sort'a said we'd kind'a/sort'a have an open relationship over the summer..bc..we kind'a/sort'a are on different sides of the country..haha. meh.and if i dont go back to california - then..yeh..we'll be forced to be done.
so yeh. i actually met a coolness dudeness last night @ paul's b.day party. he seemed to be a sweetheart - but he's a damn ACTOR -graduated from my high school a year before me. - a felow Drama Major. meh. he remembered me well - i kind'a feel bad cuz i had no idea who he was..i just laid eyes on him & thought he was just h0tt. but figured he was an ass. bc all hot ones are..haha. and who says you cant think someone's hot even if you have a man/gal..?
im sure mr. man has seen plenty of gals and thought to himself.."wow..she's hot as fuck"
..but yeh. me and this ACTOR danced. and talked. and somehow we got on the subject of lieing..HaHa..and im like.."..yeh..im sure you lie alot since you're like an actor N all.." and he claimed he cant lie..and that's why he's a horrible actor. YEAH RIGHT. geezus. what a lieing actor.he's just tryin' to..feed me crap
.......and yeh.somehow he got my digitz. and i said.."...oh, so you're go'na call me..? you sure you're not just lieing to me..?" HAHA.
so he most likely wont call after that comment - which i really dont care.
hot people just want ass anyways.

i've noticed that...

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 06:56:21 GMT

I hardly ever write in here anymore. i've transferred to that freakin' myspace.
you'd think i WOULDNT write about most everything there - seeing as how everyone and their mom seems to have myspace (..i think of my graduating class must have it)..but..i maybe i subconsciencly like the fact that everyone and their mom can read about my rants and cryin' jagz on myspace..hAha.
even though - i kind'a/sort'a hope no one ever reads those entries. but..someone is bound to. but ..honestly. who cares. im a human being..we all have our..nutty times every once in a while - i just ..tend to write more about them in public entries..hAhA. bc i could honestly care less about what people think about me. if you think im nuts, then..Im honoured. at least im not borring or normal. normalcy..is an embarassement to me as a human being. Normal people should be excluded because they do no service to our environment as weird/crazy human beingz.
haha.
okay. im talkin' off the top of my head now - (like i usually do) and it's not making that much sense.

all my friends always had a "daddy"

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 00:55:13 GMT

my dad died
i cried, suprisingly.
even though i only met him twice in my life.
but to think that someone who helped give me my life..is just..gone now..weirds me out..
and it makes me feel..guilty for some reason.

im learning HTML..

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 07:20:32 GMT

just yesterday, i decided:
one day soon, i shall go for a trip to Montauk.
and here's why:

okay..i cant add images yet..i'll show yall why later..im too tiered to figure out more of this HTML crap..lol

V.day

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 11:04:26 GMT

=]
i must say..i had a great valentine's day...
it's the best one i've had..in years.
and the day before, i baked those home-made brownies!! 4 batches of em! woosh! and mr.man helped me.=] it was fun times. ("mr.man" equals..boyfriend..i always calll my boyfriends that) so those extra helpin' hands were nice..heh.
then today..i snuck in his valentine gift in his room while he wasn't there..(..we're next-door neighbors..and his roomate and i are friends...so he let me in) the "gift" consisted of: 24 Pack Dr. Pepper Cans, 12 Pack PopCorn, 2 packs sour worms, a mini-dog stuffed animal w/ a lil note i wrote stuck inside it's butt (it was a finger puppet) not your usuall valentiines..but..im not normal..people know that by n0w.
and he shocked me with this huuuuuuuuge box full'a juuuunk food & chocolate..im talkin'..a shit-loud of FOOD!..haha. PERFECT..
and he suprised me even more when he told me we were goin' on a "double date" w/ our 2 friends who're also.."togetheR" or whatever...
went to: "OUTBACK!" wooooohoo!!..wow..and he insisted on payin'..and he passed my "test"..haha..I always do the..."i'll help out.." thing...and he was like.."HELL NO! im payin!"..haha.
FINALLY. i haven't found a guy who has any chivarly in a looo0o0ong time. A guy hasn't bought me dinner since God knows when. no..since Kai and that one White Choclate Mocha he got me on my Birthday as a suck-up-gesture bc he FORGOT ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY..haha. but that doesn't count as an actuall "dinner" meh
heh. =] good day today..and i gave away most'a my brownie hearts (yes, i was dorky and cut the brownies up into hearts)

Valentine

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 13:59:44 GMT

so i have a valentine.
hooray, hoorah.
the "friend boy" of mine..is now , i guess my "boyfriend".. we're weird about the label though..people constantly ask us..or mention to us..about.."whats up with you 2?!"..and we're just like.."huh..? what're you talkin' about..? nothing!"..haha.
fun times
and this valentine's season..im in abetter mood..so, theother day..i went to the grocery store and bought ingredients for a loud of HOMEMADE BROWNIES! =] im'a make em for everyone...3 huge batches...i even got heart-shaped cookie cuters!..and valentine themed sprinkles!haha.
im goin' all out. im cookin' em this Sunday... =]
so i have a new stalker too
the "secret admirer" from the dry-erase board..has started callin' me..and he wont stop..even though i never answer his calls..or respond to any of his voicemails..and he keeps writing messages to me on my dry -erase board..the last voicemessage i got from him was just scarey....it was like.>"hey lacy..it's the dry-erase board guy...guess where i am..? im outside your door..waiting for you.." ok..can we say.."frrrreeaakk!!?"..
so he did, indeed...fortunately..i wasn't in my room - i was in a friends' room at the time...but he stayed outside of my door for what seems like 2 hours...
and everytime i'd pass my door..him and his stupid friends would get REALLy quite..and just..watch me pass by.
they're all..like..freaky..
not cool.